Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A New Career Path


I've decided to change jobs.

In light of what happened over the Christmas holiday with the attempted underwear bombing of that plane in Detroit, I have decided, out of my longstanding desire to aid my fellow human beings and make a contribution to society, that I will join the TSA and become an underwear inspector for all flights heading in to the USA.

I have further decided that it would be best if I specialize a little more, so I will be relocating to a major air hub in South America, most likely Brazil, where I can hone my craft and become the best damn South American underwear searcher for possible bombs and ... er... stuff that I can possibly be.

I will not hesitate to sniff, pat, feel and, if the situation calls for it, lick as much South American underwear as I need to, for as long as I need to, until I am certain that the skies above the USA are safe for any and all travelers.

god bless America.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Another Present Came! (NSFW)

Actually, I did.


And that's all I'm sayin'.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Upon Reflection

It was a bit of a whirlwind visit to my ancestral homeland but in spite of that, there were many interesting twists. I'm still digesting.

I'm happy to report that Cat is alive and well and thriving. Cat didn't fare very well as one of two cats at my niece's home, so he became a permanent resident at my parent's house. Surprising as my father has never shown an affinity for cats. But he's a fine looking fellow with a borderline dog-like personality. Best of all for a couple of older owners, cat doesn't need to be walked or have his poop picked up. And he wisely co-operated and allowed my parents to locate his litter box all the way down in the cellar near the furnace. Cat is fully grown and filling out, and the only danger that lies ahead for him is he may become Fat Cat some day. We tend to over-feed our animals.

The family is looking a little worse for wear. Everyone is in acceptable health, they just look a bit ragged. Pale and in desperate need of some moisturizer and a spa day. I honestly have been feeling very insecure about my own rapidly aging face, but next to these people, I'm gorgeous.

I didn't get to spend very much time with my niece this trip. We made plans to go see Avatar during the afternoon on Christmas Eve. There were only six people including us in the theater during our show time. Granted, it was 3:30pm on Dec 24th in suburban Buffalo, but I'm not seeing Titanic numbers here. I liked the film, but I don't think it's by any stretch a blockbuster. It tries to be too many things (War picture, Love story, Sci-Fi Action) and ends up diluting it's own impact. My niece simply said parts of it were silly and she didn't like the prolonged war and death sequences. If you don't appeal to teenage girls, can you do Titanic numbers? I don't think so.

On Christmas night, I got the strangest, most unexpected present of all. My brother ... hugged me. In the forty (mumble) years that I have been alive, that has never happened. I'm still trying to figure out what it means.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Post Christmas ...

Back in NYC after a quick Christmas with the family in Buffalo. Happy to be back in my own apartment and reunited with Mr. Riley. He seems none the worse for wear. Unfortunately I returned to a rainy windy chilly city and the storm outside has made the apartment cold and uncomfortable. I intend to run out for some groceries and dog food and curl up on the couch with my boy.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Snow Day


Here's Riley and a Husky neighbor girl about to band up and double team another dog in "Operation Steal Squeaky Toy". This picture was taken around noon,and then later in the afternoon I went across the street to the school playground. It was covered in snow and the only playing going on was a father throwing snowballs to his little boy, and a couple of older teenagers and their Mom trying to build a good sledding run.

Granted, we were technically not supposed to be there. It's a playground with a sign on the fence that says "No dogs". But it was Sunday, so there was no school. And it had over 6 inches of snow if not more, completely covered. There is no equipment there or grass, just a giant paved lot with some basketball courts painted on. No chance with all that snow it could be used for basketball or baseball or even street hockey. So I was quite annoyed when the Park Ranger, who by all rights should be looking for Yogi, Boo Boo and a pic-a-nic basket, decided to ticket me for playing catch with my dog in the snow.

Mostly I was annoyed because the little dwarf decided to try and lecture me about how there was a sign posted etc ...

"Spare me the lecture and just write the stupid ticket."

At which point she wrote two of them. One for having the dog off his leash and one for playing in the playground. Of course, they will never be paid as I denied having ID and gave them a fake name and address. I threw them directly in the garbage after she handed them to me. Stupid Nazis.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

OOOOOOoooooo!

America's Best Dance Crew judge Shane (Y'awl) Sparks (Y'awl) was arrested Friday night and charged with felony molestation dating back to the mid-to-late 1990's.

It seems that Melvin (HaHaHaHaHa!) has been accused of multiple counts of committing lewd acts with a child (reportedly a girl under 14) as well as two counts of oral copulation with a person under the age of 16 by someone over 21.

In other words, he's a tiny, barely literate perv.

In Other News ...

The snow has started this afternoon here in NYC and it's freakin' cold! Including inside the apartment. Since all the news outlets are calling for up to a foot of snow and near blizzard conditions, the event I was supposed to finish out the week with has been canceled. I guess I'll just stay in, play video games, clean out my email and inappropriately touch myself.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Countdown To Christmas Update

Mr. Riley's hotel accommodations are complete and paid in full. Instead of a kennel he will be staying in a private apartment only two blocks from our place. The owner is on the ground floor and the apartment opens out on to a fenced in back yard that has grass and dirt and even a bit of AstroTurf. There are already two dogs staying there and by Christmas time Riley will be one of six rambunctious pooches, most of them also pit bull mixes. I took him by to meet the owner and see the space and Riley took off through the apartment out to the yard and spent the next half hour tumbling around with the other dogs. When we left I had to get him out from under the bed where the two bigger boys had chased the girl. He is going to have a great time and I am completely relieved.

One more Christmas present to go, and I have no idea what to get my father. When we were little he used to answer the same way every time we asked what he wanted for Christmas. "I don't want anything be good."

Maybe I'll tell him this year I am being good for him. It would certainly be cheaper.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Only In New York, Kids

Left the house this morning around 11:30 for a therapy session followed by an early call (early afternoon) for work. In between I had 1/2 hour where I stopped in to a Century 21 for some holiday shopping. Then I hopped on the PATH to New Jersey. I was bundled up against the cold with a T-Shirt, thermal shirt, sweatshirt and a scarf under my winter leather coat. I had my tuxedo jacket for work in my hand and a backpack with the rest of my clothes and shoes. I actually had trouble navigating the department store because I was twice my normal size, and at one point I bumped a woman with my backpack which elicited a *tsk* and a heavy sigh. I was thisclose to telling her to get over herself, it's a week before Christmas and you're in New York City. People get bumped. I got bumped too. If you want to shop where there's room go to the fucking Mall of America.

As I arrived at the employee entrance of the hotel I realized suddenly that my tuxedo jacket was missing. I illogically checked myself, wondering if I had somehow put it on without realizing, but I was already far too overdressed. Then I assumed I had left it on the counter at the department store when I paid for my purchases, until I had a clear memory of going out the door with my jacket still folded over my arm. So where the hell was it?

At this point I remembered that while I was waiting for a PATH train I had decided to get out my newspaper and glasses. Since I needed to get them from my backpack I put down my shopping bag and draped the jacket over a metal barricade. And that's where my jacket most likely still was. In the PATH station of the World Trade Center back in NYC where I left it. I went up to the banquet office where they generously told me I could work anyway and then offered to lend me a jacket from someone who had a spare. Although part of me wanted to go back across the river and retrieve the jacket, it would have made it impossible for me to return in time to be helpful for the event.

I told everyone I intended to go back to the station after what turned out to be a fairly short shift. Mostly everyone seemed to think the jacket was gone, and while I didn't disagree, I thought maybe ...

As the shift only lasted a few hours, I was originally in the PATH station at 2:00 and by 8:20 or so I was back. I returned to the platform and unfortunately, the jacket was gone. As I turned up the stairs and headed towards the exit, I spotted "a" jacket, randomly hanging on a pole near the stairs I had come up. There was kind of no way it could be anything other than mine.

And it was.

I have no idea who picked it up from the railing and why. It is kind of dirty (I work around food) and not a designer label or anything. That may be the reason it was ultimately rejected. But I got the impression that whoever picked it up decided to hang it conspicuously in case the owner (me) returned to find it.

And I did.

The idea that it would be left on a platform where literally thousands of people pass by, and that someone would leave it on the chance that hours later, after thousands more people passed by, the owner would return and find it, is pretty amazing.

But I said the whole afternoon and evening that while I wouldn't be surprised to find the jacket gone, I would also not be at all surprised to find it still there.

Only in New York, Kids. Only in New York.

And no, I still haven't solved the problem of finding a place to board Riley next week, but I have been in touch by phone with a kennel downtown that has space still available, and before I head down there tomorrow I am meeting a man that lives less than two blocks away that boards dogs for a living, and he seems to think he will be able to take Riley. I know it sounds sketchy but he already has four other dogs staying at the same time and I think after talking to him on the phone that we may have met before at the dog run.

One way or the other it seems that Riley will have a roof over his head and two squares a day while I'm gone.

So that's good.

Shut. The Fuck. Up!

I wish I could describe how much I love this video.-via Dlisted




Oh, and I'm sorry you'll be hearing "AIDS is on the Rise" all day in your head.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Countdown to Christmas


Only three more gifts to buy, plus whatever else I pick up for Riley. Speaking of which, the kennel I was planning on using for him is full already so as of today, I have no place to put him while I'm gone for Christmas. Hopefully tomorrow I will come up with something, as I plan on taking care of this first thing in the morning. Maybe I'll just leave him home with $50 and a can opener.